Purple Velvet Cake w Buttermillk Cream Cheese Icing.

It's my roommates birthday and she is turning a really big number. She's getting in from Maine and wanted to have a beer. Lame. I am throwing her a surprise party. I don't know any of her friends but I do have facebook.

Ruth Enters
Me (alone): SURPRISE
Ruth: What the fuck is this
Me: You are having a surprise party in two hours
Ruth: Who is coming?
Me: I don't know. Some of your friends.
Ruth: I have plans in the city
Me: I'm not hanging out with your friends.

So overall it worked out well. At least I boosted it with a delicious cocktail and cake. I made this crazy drink with lemons/limes/simple syrup/gingerale/Jack D/triple sec. Turns out this crazy drink is called a whiskey sour.

I made her favorite cake... kinda.. Purple Velvet cake. I misestimated how much food coloring is required. whatever.

This may not make sense but I'm not good with fractions so I have to be wasteful.

Sift three cups + 8 tblspn of flour with 8 tblespns of corn starch. Then throw out 2/3 cup.

Blend 1.5 sticks of butter with 2+1/4 cups of sugar. Blend for a really long time. 4-6 minutes. Then add three eggs one at a time. Reminder: When baking use room temp eggs.

I combined 2 tblspns of red food coloring. I thought that the two containers would be at least five, but apparently tablespoons are REALLY big. So I decided to throw in a tablespoon of blue. Not a good idea. My thinking was red velvet cake is really just normal cake with a shit ton of food coloring, so maybe what people like is the chemically taste. Well I was hoping for purple velvet cake. What I got was black non-chocolate cake.


So take however much of whatever food coloring and whisk it with 3 tbspons unsweetened cocoa and 2 teaspoons vanilla. Add that to the rest of the batter.

Add 1cup.5 of buttermilk (my new favorite thing) and 1.5 teaspoons of salt. beat beat beat. Then add the flour stuff slowly.

I don't know why I did this but it was suggested - stir together 1.5 teasp of cider vinegar and 1.5 teaspoons of baking soda. I'm pretty sure this is how volcanoes are made. Add this to batter

Bake in three different pans for 30 minutes on 350. I used one glass and two metal so I took the glass out first because glass stuff bakes faster. Let it cool for an hour then dump it on a cooling rack.

Icing--
2 8-ounce packages of cream cheese softened (I used one low fat one regular because that makes all the difference)
6 tblspoons of butter (softened)
2 teaspoons of vanilla
5.5 cups of confectioners sugar
3 tble spoons of butter milk (add slowly and only add as much as creates the consistency you want.


First I just iced the layers, then I used an icing decorating bag to make it drip from the layers. Really high tech.

Cilantro Meat Sandwich

Cilantro - bunch. cleaned. chopped.
Rosemary Ham
Pastrami
Tomato
Cheddar Cheese
butter

Ordering:
Cheese-Ham-cilantro-tomato-pastrami.
When I put the ham on I realized it was really slimey, probably due to being old and in a non-sealed bag. I remember my grandma said that you should rinse off fish to make it less fishy, so I rinsed off the ham to make it less decomposed.


Once combined I buttered the outside. I then put it in a pan but wanted to press it down so it would grill to perfection. I didn't feel like standing there with a spatula so I came up with this contraption. Totally works.


The sandwich is good. Needs some Franks. I wish someone would genetically modify cilantro* so it wouldn't go bad within a day. I want bombshell ready cilantro. The spamification of cilantro.

Do foods get genetically modified? Do plants have genes to modify? I guess they do, but I don't like it.

Buttermilk Eggs

Typically I do not believe in scrambled eggs. I used to tell people I was allergic to them - not to fried, boiled, omeletted, just scrambled, the taste is kinda wrong. But this morning I made buttermilk scrambled eggs.

3 Egg Whites
2 Whole Eggs
a few dashes of adobo
a few dashes of fox point
Beaten together into one.

I put a one inch chunk of butter in a pan and then poured the eggs in. Let it sit for a minute then push it around. Let sit, push around - repeat. Then when about half way done add about 1/4 cup of buttermilk and mix together. Make sure not to over cook. Fucking fluffiest shit ever.

Delightful just like this - but I put them on English Muffins and then put some muenster cheese on top and ovened them at 300 for like six minutes. Served with Algae juice.