Almond Chocolate Coffee Cake

So no more stir fry writings, however, as per every day of my life, and my sodium infused, rising in pressure blood, I did make stir fry as a precursor for my three-hour marathon cake. I learned one delicious, and one endearing, thing.

Delicious Thing:
Awesome rice =
3 cups water
1.5 cups brown rice
2 bay leaves
1.5 teaspoons five spice
Salt

Endearing thing:
For the stir fry I was unable to start with the base garlic/ginger/onion situation. Why? Because I asked my boyfriend to bring me a onion and he brought rutabaga. His eyes screamed a effort, knowledge of failure and sweetness while his veggie filled hand screamed I don't know shit about cooking. Say La Vie, when life gives you a turnip make a salty mushy turnip side dish.

Almond Chocolate Coffee Bunt Cake

Sift two cups flour with 1 teaspoon baking soda. I don't have a sifter, but I did have a metal strainer and a bowl. So I sifted, slash rubbed this through. I then was supposed to melt 6 ounces of semi-sweet, however I only had unsweetend. So I double boiled 3.5 ounces of dark choco and about six splendas as well as 2 ounces unsweetened. Then like 2 more splendas.



Double boiler = pot of boiling and a frying pan. My technical creations:

Then I blended two sticks softened butter with one cup of sugar for three minutes, no more, no less. so fluffy. Eat some of this, because buttersugar is delicious. You know how I know this, I one time walked in on my roommate eating a stick of butter that was periodically dipped into sugar. She screamed "WANNA BITE", I did, I ate. Maybe not so much her screaming wanna a bite but me yelling "GIMME" but whateves. Try it. Like a mother shitting sugar cookie.

Anyways, add three large eggs one at a time - but they should be room temperature. Add the melted chocolate. Add flour stuff slowly while mixing after each time. Add one cup of milk, again in like fourths mixing after each. Then... add I don't know, some almond extract, how about 4 teaspoons, and, because I own it, four table spoons of Kaluah. Have the oven pre-heating to 350.

Butter and flour a bunt pan. I don't know the difference between 8 and 10 inches, which is why... actually I won't go there... but the pan was too small... that's not what... sorry. Pour in, cook 45 mins, let sit 20 and flip. I had a lot of extra batter and made some cupcakes. When I ate them I said ew. BUT when I ate the bunt cake I said fuck yeah. That shit was moist and almondy and delicious.

Also, as with all baking, frost everything. 1 box confectioners, 1 teaspoon vanilla, 1 stick of butter, 3 table spoons milk*... blend with mixer. This time it was liquidy, but that's because I think it wasn't a full box, I can't remember what I used the sugar for, but then again I can't remember most of what I do. Juuuuust kidding (except between 2005-2009).
*Follow the recipe on the side of the box


I'm not proof reading long posts. I'm very busy. As in I have cable and the Kardasians are on.

Ramen Meal

Ramen is really good. Not that fancy two dollar ramen, or homemade ramen, the $ 0.25 ramen. Preferably the Oriental flavor. I eat a lot of it so I've started adding egg whites and veggies and mother fucking everything else. curry powder? yes. adobo, soy sauce, garlic/onion powder, bay leaves, frozen pees, bacobits, tandorri flavoring yes yes yes yes.

2 cups water, boil, add noodles, cook 3 mins, add two egg whites (not the yolk because the yolk makes you fat) wait a minute, then stir. It will look like this for a little bit:

Don't let this overflow... scrubbing this shit off is like cleaning vomit out of a crocheted blanket. Add spinach, wilt and eat. I decided to add lime because I thought that might make it taste good. It doesn't. I think if I were to be truthful to myself, I added the lime because I really wanted Mexican food and in my mind, add lime and you have a fiesta in Cancun. It tasted like I was eating ramen that I added sour milk to. So I added hot sauce because that typically overpowers other flavors. And it did. So, no lime, no Franks, yes all spices and soy.


UPDATE: I tried to eat my week old stir fry but it tasted kinda off, so I added it to my ramen!! It was a really great learning experience about how to mask old food taste. I should have a show called how to eat on a budget... or maybe one called world's strongest stomach. This is one of those point in case situations to my whole not believing in food poisoning thing.

Mashed Potato Stir Fry

I realize I do a lot on stir fry. But that is because it is better than other foods. I used to use rice, but decided that was way too complicated, five minutes, an hour, there was really no way to tell. And then sometimes I'd throw away the bag and have to guess, 2 to 1? 3 to 1? I don't give a fuck. I'm over it. So then I switched to Quinoa. Much simpler. But you know what, I've been eating too much quinoa. Like too much. * Too much quinoa and too much cumin. And even quinoa requires you to pay attention, and sometimes, particularly during law and order, that is attention I do not have to give. So I've discovered... Instant mashed potato stir fry.
* I hate Avatar. Irrelevant? Yes.

Heat some sesame oil and add one chopped onion. Then add some zucchini wait a couple minutes and when perfect add the spinach. While cooking just keep adding garlic powder and soy sauce. While this is cooking boil water. Pour some of the water over the veggies (you can always add more later). Then add instant potatoes. THEN MUSH IT ALL TOGETHER.

Quinoa Stir Fry with Lime Fennel Capers Salad.

Even though no posts, I've been doing the cooking, often times trying to delight a boy who kindly eats what I make... I guess not so much the bean soup, but that was pretty terrible. It is apparently a fact that dry beans take more than an hour, or four, to cook. He ate five spoonfuls of uncooked beans. Come over, I will feed you bean soup. It wasn't even soup at many points because the water kept disappearing - I don't know where it went, it clearly was not being absorbed... oh well, good thing he's really great.

Anyways, last night my wonderful friend came over to play boggle and cook. We didn't actually get to play boggle, but if we did I would have won. But we did cook.

New favorite: fennel. During a vegan/ gluten free feast*, someone made an incredible meal that started with a fennel salad with oranges and olives and maybe something else. I was going to recreate this and take credit, however I forgot to buy oranges and guess I don't have any olives.
* I don't approve of so many self-imposed food restrictions. I think if it exists it should go in my body.

Fennel Salad:


One Fennel bulb
Capers
Lime
Italian Dressing.
Spinach
Salt

Chop the white part of the bulb, pull off some of the leaf like parts, maybe a little of the stemies. Juice one lime, throw in like three roughly chopped fork fulls of capers. Do not use the Italian Dressing. Italian dressing is so stupid. It tastes like chemical juice - always. Throw in some chopped spinach - not baby, grown up? Put on as much salt as you can handle and you have some greatness.

Stir fry:


Chop one onion (have your friend do it)
Chop a head of broccoli
1/2 Red Bell Pepper
Garlic
Spinach
Peanut Oil
Soy Sauce
Honey/cumin/ "ar-cha-cha" hot sauce

Throw the onion in a large pan with peanut oil (should have been sesame oil, but I drank all my sesame oil). Saute for a couple of minutes then add broccoli. Saute saute then add... chopped garlic, like a bunch. Not the most precise dish. Then add half a red pepper chopped in little chicklet sized pieces. Add soy sauce. Add cumin and a little honey. More soy sauce.

Now turn off the heat and add the spinach, let it wilt.

When you add the spinach, you should add edemame to the boiling water, which I guess you should have started. Drain the edemame after like four minutes and add rock salt. Oh, also, you should have already cooked your quinoa - like 1/2 cup of dry quinoa with a 2 to 1 ratio... 1 to 2? Twice as much water as quinoa. Quinoa is the greatest food ever. I typically make the red quinoa, but this is only because if I make the white my roommate can't stop making jokes about it looking like condoms.


yumm

Maple Snow Syrup

There were massive feets of snow all around New York. I went to Prospect Park and had a very lovely day. I went with the goal of building a snowman and making snow based treats. I have some vague, clear, possibly fabricated memory of eating maple syrup hardened on snow in my backyard. I decided to try and recreate this.

Maple Treat:
Compact snow so it is not so fluffy, but not so compounded that you are eating earth. Pour syrup.

This one was not compacted snow. And it looks like poo.

This one I made. It is a portrait.


This one I did not make. It is really beautiful.


Eat snow syrup. I was hoping it would turn into toffee or chewy maple caramel. Nope. It was cold cheap Jemima. You should bring a spoon with you. Luckily, although I didn't plan ahead, I typically carry around old dirty silverware. To Clean: Swish it in snow (similar to water). This guy walked by making jokes about how we were doing something ridiculous, like what his kids would do. Don't be such a grownup dude.

While in the park I also "made" a evil bird turtle snow thing with a smoldering artist.

Making snow creatures is actually easier if you just steal big balls o snow from snowmen previously made and abandoned...

UPDATE - I did it wrong. You are supposed to heat up the syrup and then pour it on snow. That's too much of a project. In fact, the way I did it was probably still too much work. Next time, eat snow and then pour syrup in mouth.

Coke-Milk

This is really good. It kinda taste like a milk shake? Ice cream soda?


Ingredients:
Coke
Milk
Combine.

But do not combine like the picture shows because that leads to foam, and milky foam does not taste good. Also, ignore the shitty nail polish and loosies and take note of the organic (healthy) and wine glass (classy).

If you are an adult, you can make the following - a drink that got me through many mornings of college - the...

White Trash White Russian.

Coke
Milk
Rum (this should ALWAYS be Barcardi Light)

Why is this the perfect college drink? Because in communal frigerators someone always has milk that you can "borrow"* and there is usually a near by soda machine.

*unless they put poisonous face lotion in their milk to "make a point". That guy was such a mother fucking asshole.

Pancakes

It's been a while since I last posted. I've been recovering from the Russian bath house party. How was it? Gross. But not gross in a good bath house blow job in the corner way, but in a candy bracelets and half shaved men kind of a way. Also, not recovering because I'm hung over, but because I hate being so clean.

I'm making pancakes... I don't know why. Pancakes are kinda a
shitty breakfast food and after two bites it likes, I get it already.
That's why I'm putting in bananas and chocolate chips. Originally I
was just going to make more "banana bread" but I decided to go all
out. Because I'm home sick. Also my room smells like a bottle of
turpentine is leaking somewhere and I'm scared to go back in.

I'm using 1 1/2 cups ground whole wheat flower. It says brown and wheat on the package so I bought it to make up for all the extreme sour gummy candies I consume. Health is all about equalizing.

I used a basic pancake recipe:

The flour
3 1/2 teaspoons of baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon sugar
1 1/4 cups of milk (skim, obv)
1 egg
3 tablespoons of butter

Mix it together, butter pan and cook. For some reason they are the consistency of cookie dough.


I don't get why they look like this, also, I forgot the chocolate chips which sux.

They are ok. They kinda taste like I'm chewing on flax seeds? Probably because things that stress brown and wheat don't taste good. Also, they are salty, granted I forget the sugar in the first batch, but even the second... why so salty? I'm smothering them w/ butter, apple butter &blackberry sauce. Pancakes are so dumb. Next time I will use more pancake technology.*

* I don't think that instant, spray on pancakes should be able to be labeled organic.