Maple Snow Syrup

There were massive feets of snow all around New York. I went to Prospect Park and had a very lovely day. I went with the goal of building a snowman and making snow based treats. I have some vague, clear, possibly fabricated memory of eating maple syrup hardened on snow in my backyard. I decided to try and recreate this.

Maple Treat:
Compact snow so it is not so fluffy, but not so compounded that you are eating earth. Pour syrup.

This one was not compacted snow. And it looks like poo.

This one I made. It is a portrait.


This one I did not make. It is really beautiful.


Eat snow syrup. I was hoping it would turn into toffee or chewy maple caramel. Nope. It was cold cheap Jemima. You should bring a spoon with you. Luckily, although I didn't plan ahead, I typically carry around old dirty silverware. To Clean: Swish it in snow (similar to water). This guy walked by making jokes about how we were doing something ridiculous, like what his kids would do. Don't be such a grownup dude.

While in the park I also "made" a evil bird turtle snow thing with a smoldering artist.

Making snow creatures is actually easier if you just steal big balls o snow from snowmen previously made and abandoned...

UPDATE - I did it wrong. You are supposed to heat up the syrup and then pour it on snow. That's too much of a project. In fact, the way I did it was probably still too much work. Next time, eat snow and then pour syrup in mouth.

Coke-Milk

This is really good. It kinda taste like a milk shake? Ice cream soda?


Ingredients:
Coke
Milk
Combine.

But do not combine like the picture shows because that leads to foam, and milky foam does not taste good. Also, ignore the shitty nail polish and loosies and take note of the organic (healthy) and wine glass (classy).

If you are an adult, you can make the following - a drink that got me through many mornings of college - the...

White Trash White Russian.

Coke
Milk
Rum (this should ALWAYS be Barcardi Light)

Why is this the perfect college drink? Because in communal frigerators someone always has milk that you can "borrow"* and there is usually a near by soda machine.

*unless they put poisonous face lotion in their milk to "make a point". That guy was such a mother fucking asshole.

Pancakes

It's been a while since I last posted. I've been recovering from the Russian bath house party. How was it? Gross. But not gross in a good bath house blow job in the corner way, but in a candy bracelets and half shaved men kind of a way. Also, not recovering because I'm hung over, but because I hate being so clean.

I'm making pancakes... I don't know why. Pancakes are kinda a
shitty breakfast food and after two bites it likes, I get it already.
That's why I'm putting in bananas and chocolate chips. Originally I
was just going to make more "banana bread" but I decided to go all
out. Because I'm home sick. Also my room smells like a bottle of
turpentine is leaking somewhere and I'm scared to go back in.

I'm using 1 1/2 cups ground whole wheat flower. It says brown and wheat on the package so I bought it to make up for all the extreme sour gummy candies I consume. Health is all about equalizing.

I used a basic pancake recipe:

The flour
3 1/2 teaspoons of baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon sugar
1 1/4 cups of milk (skim, obv)
1 egg
3 tablespoons of butter

Mix it together, butter pan and cook. For some reason they are the consistency of cookie dough.


I don't get why they look like this, also, I forgot the chocolate chips which sux.

They are ok. They kinda taste like I'm chewing on flax seeds? Probably because things that stress brown and wheat don't taste good. Also, they are salty, granted I forget the sugar in the first batch, but even the second... why so salty? I'm smothering them w/ butter, apple butter &blackberry sauce. Pancakes are so dumb. Next time I will use more pancake technology.*

* I don't think that instant, spray on pancakes should be able to be labeled organic.

Stir Fry Wasabi Rice

There's a bunch of Norwegian people coming to my house for dinner. I do not know what Norwegian people eat. All I know is that they are really fashionable and better than us.

I was going to make paella, except after buying what I imagined the ingredients to be I realized I don't actually know what paella is. Also, who wants to eat paella. I have never said, you know what I feel like eating tonight? Paella. Or- Oh good! They have paella here. Never. Never those words. I think one time someone I was with ordered paella and I thought it was lame. So I scratched that idea. Furthermore, my momma informed me that I cannot substitute other orange spices for saffron. So it's a no go.

I am making a stir fry because that shit is easy. I'm going to make a throw everything in style stir fry with wasabi rice.

Wok
Sesame Oil
- Sautee like four cloves of garlic, one onion and about an inch of fresh ginger for like 5 mins.
- Add Broccoli for like 6 mins and splash in some soy sauce
- Add chicken, half a red pepper, some mushrooms and a bit more garlic for like 3 mins with teriyaki sauce
- Add the rest of the pepper and mushrooms


I love my soy sauce.

With the food, just keep adding stuff. The yummy part was the rice. Kind of. It at least wasn't a bad part.

It's pretty self explanatory, but really adds good to stir fry. Make the rice according to directions and add wasabi paste. I made two cups of rice - as in two dry cups and 4 cups o water. I added a tablespoon of wasabi because I don't know how tough Noriges are. Do they eat spicy things? I hear they eat whale, so probably. I wonder if they have stir fry in Norway. I wonder if they have Chinese food! Do they like The Fine Young Cannibals? (EVERYONE LIKES THE FYC) So many questions.

Off to the Russian bath house!


This was taken the day after a night sitting in the fridge. Imagine the food more vibrant and fresh.

Citrus Cake w Jasmine Ice Cream

I'm going to my brother's house for highly delicious eating that involves bacon wrapped flaming young. I preemptively received the following messages:

"don't bother to bring anything over to eat, we'll do all the cooking,
unless it's food that's not going on your website. Sorry"

"of course you bring a bloggable dessert"

My brother seems to understand that you may as well accept my contributions or else face the consequence of getting enough spinach balls for a month! So old. So gross.

I am bringing a dessert, but I have decided to make it really really classy. I am making citrus cake with homemade jasmine ice cream.

Citrus Cake:


Mix together 1 cup butter with 1 cup sugar. Then add 4 eggs, one at a time, stirring after each (I think I have to go back to cracking the eggs in a separate bowl first, like when I was a kid. This shits going to be crunchy). Add the zest of one lemon and a teaspoon of vanilla extract. (tip: wash the lemon first, or don't post a blog until people have eaten the cake, I decided to just wait on the blog, seemed easier).

In a separate bowl combine:
two cups of flower
two teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt

Add this and 1/4 cup of lemon juice to the butter/sugar stuff, stir and pour into cake pan.

It makes a weird amount. I filled a nine inch pan and 9 cup cakes. Maybe it could have been two 8 inch pans? Maybe 12 cupcakes?

I put them in at 350 for 20 - 40 minutes. Clearly I forgot to time them. Shit happens. But it wasn't under 20 minutes or over 40. So you have to figure it out yourself. I took them out around the browning around the edges stage. (I sprayed pam and flowered the pan - I'm done with buttering. There's a spray to do that.)

In retrospect I think the cake could have used some white chocolate chips.

To make the glaze I took a cup of confectioners sugar and squeezed two-three slices of orange. I used lemon instead of orange for the icing on the cupcakes and they taste like sour crap.

I made little lemon twists to beautify. After three years of bartending I have a
memory gap of 1,095 days.. but somehow I can still make delightful paper thin twists. I guess when you're able to black out carve it sticks with you.

While baking, I made the HOMEMADE Jasmine ice cream. I also changed because I realized I was wearing peach, valeour, high water bellbottoms with a shirt that says ride me ride free. I'd say I'm a good combination stripper/girlfriend.

Heat up one cup of milk (I used whole) but don't boil. When warm add two jasmine tea
bags one drop blue food coloring and two red (necessary).


Let it sit for three minutes and add a splenda to counter the bitterness of tea. Take the bags out and put it in the frigerator to cool. Once cool, add two table spoons sugar, 1/2 teaspoon vanilla.


Pour in a zip lock bag. If you have a large, like gallon sized bag, you half fill it with ice - maybe like one complete tray worth - and like 8 table spoons of salt.
I however used a large tuperware container because I don't have large ziplock
bags, I only have sandwich bags. If you have multiple sized bags you have made it in the world and are clearly well-off and established. Shake this for at least five minutes or until it is ice-cream like.

MAKE SURE to rinse all the salt water from the back, including in the little ziplock area.

I made two batches. This is delicious. Other potential flavors: Earl
Grey. Camomile, Mint. Manderine Oranage. Seriously, I want to eat this all this time. In fact, I may.


I wanted to bring over some bacon chocolate chip cookies but my roommates ate them all. Apparently they don’t read my blog or they’d know they consumed ½ a cup of bacon grease. I hate that read and read is spelled the same.

I do still have left over bacon, and I am seeing a cute boy later for a "film". I think BCCC are the way to a person's heart... however, my ideas have not always translated.

Examples:
1. 20 lbs of meat
2. Bag of dill pickle potato chips with a mixed CD inside
3. Mixed media painting of New Jersey
4. 10 slim jims with 10 mini bottles of tequila

Really Easy Banana Bread

- Toast Bread
- Butter Toast with the equivalent of 1-2 diner tabs.
- Mash half a banana, then spread it on.
- Salt it.*


Delightful.

*Fact: you can, and should, salt most fruit.

Examples:
Cantaloupe and salt
Avocado and salt (counts)
Honeydew and salt
Pineapple and salt
Pear and salt
Papaya and salt (although papaya sometimes tastes like feces)

Bacon Chocolate Chip Cookies

The pie didn't work so well. But these cookies did.

I wanted to use the bacon grease instead of butter, but for some reason the 1 pound of bacon only produced 1/3 cup of grease. I wonder if the nine month stay in the freezer made a difference.

I combined:

1 + 1/2 cups of flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt

In a separate bowl I blended:

1/3 cup bacon grease
1/3 cup butter
1/2 cup regular sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar

After blending I added an egg and a teaspoon of vanilla. You then combine the two until one.


Stir in:

1/2 cup of chocolate chips
1/2 cup bacon chunks. I didn't use the fat part, only the meat part, although both are delicious.


Then you make them into cookies by mushing into one inch balls and baking at 350 for about ten minutes.

And they are... everything I've ever dreamed of.

I kinda wish I hadn't made them now since I'm going to some Russian bath house in a week... I'm hoping it is as sketchy as it sounds. But seriously - so many cookies and a shit ton of left over bacon. Dinner: Bacon with arugula. Dessert: Bacon with chocolate.


BAM!

"They're like sex, only I'm having them".

Dirty Potato Leek Soup

I love potato leek soup. So I want to learn to make it. Deliciously.

I used two leeks, which apparently you have to clean by slicing them down the middle and rinsing out the inside layers - but they will be cooked, so I doubt it matters. On the internet it says to use the white to light green section. That sounds wasteful. I chopped the leek starting at the white and ending where it began looking gross.

I melted two table spoons of butter in a pan and put the leeks in. Too many leeks. No, too little pan.

It's really hard to sautee like this. In retrospect, cooking the leeks in the pot I am going to use would have been smarter. I added three shots of water, covered the goods, and let them cook for about five minutes while stirring occasionally.

I peeled and chopped this many potatoes:


I used really small red potatoes because I like red potatoes better than russet.

I heated four cups of chicken broth and then added the cooked leeks, potatoes, 1/2 teaspoon dried thyme and 1/2 teaspoon of salt. Simmer for twenty minutes or until potatoes are really soft.



I pureed the soup and then stirred in 1/2 cup of milk and a cup of shredded cheddar cheese.

Results:


So, it's fucking green. Which is wrong.

Taste Test....

Me: Why do you think it tastes like dirt?
Roommate: It doesn't taste like dirt, it's... earthy
Me: Like dirt from the earth?
Roommate: Add pepper?
Me: Pepper is disgusting.

I'm thinking it tastes a little off because the thyme I used is old and from one of those huge 99cent jars. However, other than a slight dirt taste, it IS delicious. The cheese is unnecessary... I think adding it on top when served would have been better. I'm totally into this soup.

I've been thinking, maybe boiling things only kills germs, and does not get rid of actual dirt. Perhaps if I start washing things more... potatoes, leeks, hands.... I will get rid of this "earthy" taste.

Fancy Failure

For dinner I made lemon garlic scallops with a side of spinach muffins and borscht. However, it wasn’t really borscht as much as it was every past-their-prime vegetable in my kitchen boiled until there were no distinct flavors... and I guess I shouldn’t call them spinach “muffins” but more appropriately, little spinach balls or paddies or chunks.

Soup Recipe:

1 box of chicken soup
4 cups of water
4 beets
1 dried out onion
1 flaccid zucchini
4 bay leaves in a tea strainer
4 eyed potatoes
One bag of old slimy baby carrots
3 rubbery turnips
4 cloves of garlic

(totally looks like borscht)

You probably need a bullet express*. Combine. Boil for 3 hours. Puree. Hope that your roommates like it because it makes a lot.

Spinach balls:


16 oz frozen spinach (cooked/drained) + 2 egg whites + some parm + greek seasoning

Combine, bake for 12 minutes at 350 in a cupcake tray sprayed with pam.

I think these would have been good if:

1. Different ingredients were used

* Grandma, Martha and fat hungry guy really need to lighten up.
** Note I did not even address the lemon garlic scallops issue.

I'm sorry to say, but this meal was kinda an epic fail. I mean failure. I want FAIL to go the way of pwn3d.