Buttermilk Eggs

Typically I do not believe in scrambled eggs. I used to tell people I was allergic to them - not to fried, boiled, omeletted, just scrambled, the taste is kinda wrong. But this morning I made buttermilk scrambled eggs.

3 Egg Whites
2 Whole Eggs
a few dashes of adobo
a few dashes of fox point
Beaten together into one.

I put a one inch chunk of butter in a pan and then poured the eggs in. Let it sit for a minute then push it around. Let sit, push around - repeat. Then when about half way done add about 1/4 cup of buttermilk and mix together. Make sure not to over cook. Fucking fluffiest shit ever.

Delightful just like this - but I put them on English Muffins and then put some muenster cheese on top and ovened them at 300 for like six minutes. Served with Algae juice.

Sharshuka

I recently returned from Israel after doing the birthright. One culinary highlight was the Jerusalem grill which consisted of chicken hearts, livers, gall bladders, intestines etc in a pita. I made it half way through until I ate a particularly large heart and could feel the arteries burst and spurt in my mouth. I was then done. Well, I was at least closer to being done. I love eating shit.

At one point, homeless and in Tel Aviv, a few of us were wondering about looking for a beach to sleep on (when you're in a foreign country, danger does not exist). We found an airport, considered it for a minute and then moshed on. Somehow after a lot of 2am disturbances we found a familiar soldier who allowed us to sleep over. In the morning we woke up and his pretty incredible girlfriend made us shar-shu-kah. Mother of god incredible. She served it with bread and inevitably a vat of hummus. I watched her closely in order to figure out what she was doing. However I still kinda failed in comparison.

Chop up one onion and saute it in olive oil for like three minutes. Then add two chopped red peppers and cook like three more minutes. Then add the chopped tomatoes. I threw in three table spoons of tomato paste and let it cook like five more minutes.

Next you make little hole pockets and drop in the egg. Continue to cook for like ten minutes, but don't break the yolk.


I have to say. Pretty bland. So I went back. I added some adobo and salt, a dash of red pepper flakes and instant delish.


I don't get why her's was so much better. Maybe birth right is wrong; I am not Israeli and there is no ticket in my belly.

Cream Cheese Burrito

It's time to go grocery shopping* (*update). All I have is icy frozen food. I made an annie's burrito, but then realized I had no cheese. no sour cream. no salsa. BUT THEN I REALIZED... Veggie Cream Cheese is the exact combination of the three! So I smothered. Really great.

I also cooked up some frozen pees, buttered and garlic powdered the shit out of them, and ate each one. I love pees. Seriously.

Almond Chocolate Coffee Cake

So no more stir fry writings, however, as per every day of my life, and my sodium infused, rising in pressure blood, I did make stir fry as a precursor for my three-hour marathon cake. I learned one delicious, and one endearing, thing.

Delicious Thing:
Awesome rice =
3 cups water
1.5 cups brown rice
2 bay leaves
1.5 teaspoons five spice
Salt

Endearing thing:
For the stir fry I was unable to start with the base garlic/ginger/onion situation. Why? Because I asked my boyfriend to bring me a onion and he brought rutabaga. His eyes screamed a effort, knowledge of failure and sweetness while his veggie filled hand screamed I don't know shit about cooking. Say La Vie, when life gives you a turnip make a salty mushy turnip side dish.

Almond Chocolate Coffee Bunt Cake

Sift two cups flour with 1 teaspoon baking soda. I don't have a sifter, but I did have a metal strainer and a bowl. So I sifted, slash rubbed this through. I then was supposed to melt 6 ounces of semi-sweet, however I only had unsweetend. So I double boiled 3.5 ounces of dark choco and about six splendas as well as 2 ounces unsweetened. Then like 2 more splendas.



Double boiler = pot of boiling and a frying pan. My technical creations:

Then I blended two sticks softened butter with one cup of sugar for three minutes, no more, no less. so fluffy. Eat some of this, because buttersugar is delicious. You know how I know this, I one time walked in on my roommate eating a stick of butter that was periodically dipped into sugar. She screamed "WANNA BITE", I did, I ate. Maybe not so much her screaming wanna a bite but me yelling "GIMME" but whateves. Try it. Like a mother shitting sugar cookie.

Anyways, add three large eggs one at a time - but they should be room temperature. Add the melted chocolate. Add flour stuff slowly while mixing after each time. Add one cup of milk, again in like fourths mixing after each. Then... add I don't know, some almond extract, how about 4 teaspoons, and, because I own it, four table spoons of Kaluah. Have the oven pre-heating to 350.

Butter and flour a bunt pan. I don't know the difference between 8 and 10 inches, which is why... actually I won't go there... but the pan was too small... that's not what... sorry. Pour in, cook 45 mins, let sit 20 and flip. I had a lot of extra batter and made some cupcakes. When I ate them I said ew. BUT when I ate the bunt cake I said fuck yeah. That shit was moist and almondy and delicious.

Also, as with all baking, frost everything. 1 box confectioners, 1 teaspoon vanilla, 1 stick of butter, 3 table spoons milk*... blend with mixer. This time it was liquidy, but that's because I think it wasn't a full box, I can't remember what I used the sugar for, but then again I can't remember most of what I do. Juuuuust kidding (except between 2005-2009).
*Follow the recipe on the side of the box


I'm not proof reading long posts. I'm very busy. As in I have cable and the Kardasians are on.

Ramen Meal

Ramen is really good. Not that fancy two dollar ramen, or homemade ramen, the $ 0.25 ramen. Preferably the Oriental flavor. I eat a lot of it so I've started adding egg whites and veggies and mother fucking everything else. curry powder? yes. adobo, soy sauce, garlic/onion powder, bay leaves, frozen pees, bacobits, tandorri flavoring yes yes yes yes.

2 cups water, boil, add noodles, cook 3 mins, add two egg whites (not the yolk because the yolk makes you fat) wait a minute, then stir. It will look like this for a little bit:

Don't let this overflow... scrubbing this shit off is like cleaning vomit out of a crocheted blanket. Add spinach, wilt and eat. I decided to add lime because I thought that might make it taste good. It doesn't. I think if I were to be truthful to myself, I added the lime because I really wanted Mexican food and in my mind, add lime and you have a fiesta in Cancun. It tasted like I was eating ramen that I added sour milk to. So I added hot sauce because that typically overpowers other flavors. And it did. So, no lime, no Franks, yes all spices and soy.


UPDATE: I tried to eat my week old stir fry but it tasted kinda off, so I added it to my ramen!! It was a really great learning experience about how to mask old food taste. I should have a show called how to eat on a budget... or maybe one called world's strongest stomach. This is one of those point in case situations to my whole not believing in food poisoning thing.

Mashed Potato Stir Fry

I realize I do a lot on stir fry. But that is because it is better than other foods. I used to use rice, but decided that was way too complicated, five minutes, an hour, there was really no way to tell. And then sometimes I'd throw away the bag and have to guess, 2 to 1? 3 to 1? I don't give a fuck. I'm over it. So then I switched to Quinoa. Much simpler. But you know what, I've been eating too much quinoa. Like too much. * Too much quinoa and too much cumin. And even quinoa requires you to pay attention, and sometimes, particularly during law and order, that is attention I do not have to give. So I've discovered... Instant mashed potato stir fry.
* I hate Avatar. Irrelevant? Yes.

Heat some sesame oil and add one chopped onion. Then add some zucchini wait a couple minutes and when perfect add the spinach. While cooking just keep adding garlic powder and soy sauce. While this is cooking boil water. Pour some of the water over the veggies (you can always add more later). Then add instant potatoes. THEN MUSH IT ALL TOGETHER.

Quinoa Stir Fry with Lime Fennel Capers Salad.

Even though no posts, I've been doing the cooking, often times trying to delight a boy who kindly eats what I make... I guess not so much the bean soup, but that was pretty terrible. It is apparently a fact that dry beans take more than an hour, or four, to cook. He ate five spoonfuls of uncooked beans. Come over, I will feed you bean soup. It wasn't even soup at many points because the water kept disappearing - I don't know where it went, it clearly was not being absorbed... oh well, good thing he's really great.

Anyways, last night my wonderful friend came over to play boggle and cook. We didn't actually get to play boggle, but if we did I would have won. But we did cook.

New favorite: fennel. During a vegan/ gluten free feast*, someone made an incredible meal that started with a fennel salad with oranges and olives and maybe something else. I was going to recreate this and take credit, however I forgot to buy oranges and guess I don't have any olives.
* I don't approve of so many self-imposed food restrictions. I think if it exists it should go in my body.

Fennel Salad:


One Fennel bulb
Capers
Lime
Italian Dressing.
Spinach
Salt

Chop the white part of the bulb, pull off some of the leaf like parts, maybe a little of the stemies. Juice one lime, throw in like three roughly chopped fork fulls of capers. Do not use the Italian Dressing. Italian dressing is so stupid. It tastes like chemical juice - always. Throw in some chopped spinach - not baby, grown up? Put on as much salt as you can handle and you have some greatness.

Stir fry:


Chop one onion (have your friend do it)
Chop a head of broccoli
1/2 Red Bell Pepper
Garlic
Spinach
Peanut Oil
Soy Sauce
Honey/cumin/ "ar-cha-cha" hot sauce

Throw the onion in a large pan with peanut oil (should have been sesame oil, but I drank all my sesame oil). Saute for a couple of minutes then add broccoli. Saute saute then add... chopped garlic, like a bunch. Not the most precise dish. Then add half a red pepper chopped in little chicklet sized pieces. Add soy sauce. Add cumin and a little honey. More soy sauce.

Now turn off the heat and add the spinach, let it wilt.

When you add the spinach, you should add edemame to the boiling water, which I guess you should have started. Drain the edemame after like four minutes and add rock salt. Oh, also, you should have already cooked your quinoa - like 1/2 cup of dry quinoa with a 2 to 1 ratio... 1 to 2? Twice as much water as quinoa. Quinoa is the greatest food ever. I typically make the red quinoa, but this is only because if I make the white my roommate can't stop making jokes about it looking like condoms.


yumm