Cottage Bagel

I don't know if it's part of growing up, but I fucking love breakfast now. Still not scrambled eggs cause they're gross. I thought it may be a good idea to go to whole foods and get a whole wheat everything bagel that I can scoop out and place low fat veggie cream cheese in and top with cucumbers. But none of this apparently exists in whole foods. Not even plain low fat cream cheese. But this morning I was feeling particularly determined and self righteous and refused to buy regular cream cheese. So cottage cheese is kind of similar... maybe I could mash it to make it more cream cheesey. So there's that. And I didn't feel like the maintenance of a cucumber so I bought sprouts.



This does not taste good because cottage cheese is not cream cheese. Not terrible. Not great.

Tom Kah Ramen Soup.

I fear with horror
Depletion of rice noodles
I have been hording

I was going to make plain tom kha gai, but I need space for new groceries.* I really like ramen and feel TKG is basically a broth that can be easily ramenized, in this case only if ramen was made with rice noodles.

*

1. Saute in sesame oil one onion, six garlic cloves, one cut up carrot and about one inch of grated ginger.
2. Pour in 1 box of chicken broth - I used organic by mistake. I hate organic chicken broth.
3. Add like three cups of water. I like quantity over quality.
4. I then added a stalk of lemon grass cut into 1.5 inch segments (large enough so people see them and do not choke and die. (people=me)).
5. Bring to Boil. 5.5 Add some more garlic. Because.

While I wait on this to boil I washed and cut up one small head of bok choy and sauteed it in sesame oil and soy sauce. I then turned it off. I brought one medium size pot of water to boil as well.

Back to the soup:
6. Add one can of light coconut milk and about half a lime worth of juice.
7. Bring to Boil.
8. Add thin small slices of chick.
9. Bring to Boil.
10. Once all cooked through turn off the stove and throw in some thin rice noodles. Stir them around and they will cook in like 5 minutes.

Then turn off the boiling water and give it a stir to cool it down a bit. Add a splash of vinegar and then poach an egg... I crack an egg into a tea cup and the slide it in. It takes about 3-4 minutes to cook and then you can scoop it up with a slitted spoon. Take out egg, lay it on soup. Reheat bok and put that on as well.

Tom Kah Gai Ramen

Chia Seeds

The best thing that came from the excursion into vegan eating was chia seeds. I don't know if they derive from the friendly childhood friend which may or may not mean they sprout instantly in your stomach a scooby doo or homer simpson. But they are really yummy, well not really cause they have no flavor, but they are really good for you. Like possibly challenging my atheism type good for you*. They are these little seeds that when soaked in water absorb the water and get a gelatinous casing.

There are many things you can do with Chia Seeds. The first is to simply make a chia gel which you can add to smoothies, juice... really anything because it's flavorless. It keeps for up to two weeks and is made by combining chia seeds and water at a 1 to 9 ratio. You mix them together, let it sit for a minute, mix again and then let it sit for twenty minutes.

If you add the seeds straight to juice it will absorb the juice and become like miniature bubble tea - don't chew it, crunchy juice is gross, but you can do as I do and swish it back and forth in my mouth until people around me get nauseous.

For a meal:

1/3 cup of chia
2/3 cup water
stir, sit minute, stir, sit twenty minutes
Add one finely grated clove of garlic and about 3/4 inch of ginger and pour in two tablespoons of soy sauce (I use WAY more).



It's really really good. I recently learned that a serving size is actually like two table spoons and that by eating this you are consuming 127% of your daily requirement of fiber... so there's that. But I'm ok with it.

My roommate says it tastes like Emily Jello. And I appreciate that. In fact, if the jelly company wants to make soy sauce garlic jello I will promise to buy it and promote it as a part time volunteer position.

*
Magnesium – 15 times more than Broccoli
Calcium – 6 times more than whole milk
Omega-3 – nearly 9 times the amount found in Salmon
Fiber – more than flax seed & 2 times more than bran flakes
Iron – nearly 3 times more than spinach
Protein – more than soy

I should probably not mention anything about atheism -- for some reason the kids in my class are all mad that I called religion institutionalized psychosis**. Maybe it's also the whole referring to them as kids thing... or trying to explain what the definition of literally literally means.

** Really? That's a bit extreme. I said it for you.

Pea Soup Bread Bowl w/ Fish

I'm cooking dinner for my boyfriend Jeremy tonight and I want to make something that is delicious and that he will like. I know he likes bread bowls, but I don't want to make broccoli cheddar soup because it's not healthy and requires me shopping thereby getting dressed for the day and possibly missing a law and order. I've had a bag of peas for years in my cupboard because no one uses dried beans or peas (are peas beans?).

I added:

1 Onion
Too much Water
Bag of split peas
5 Cloves of Garlic
3 Seasoning packets by that company that does all the seasoning-- goya? something that was without anejo? annijase? I think it means without anchovies. Anejo is teqila? That would have made the soup better.
Two pinches Smoked Salt.

I boiled this all together for like two hours. I then added a tablespoon of baco bits. I would have added more, but I ate them all. I added a lot more salt and then let it boil out a bit. It was way too watery so I made a... coagulating substance. I added like 1/4 a cup corn starch which I combined with water before adding. It's called a roo.

I poured this in a par-baked sourdough boule.

During this time I was marinating four tilapia fillets in butter garlic salt and some herbs of sorts. When ready I put a bunch of lemon and more salt on them and baked them at 350 for like ten minutes.



Jeremy did not eat the fish. Regardless of my staring at his plate. But he did eat the soup after hesitation. Pea Soup in a bread bowl almost success!!

Trio of Kale

I recently decided it was time to cleanse. Cleanse from the nightly chicken wings and pizza, cleanse from the midnight bacon egg and cheese and cleanse from the sports team worth of baked goods I was consuming. So I will take things slow and do totally vegan organic. I remember like two years ago trying this crazy cleanse that involves drinking charcoal five times a day, taking lots of pills and drinking droppers or putrid gag inducing liquids. I found the box in my closet that contained these two year old supplements and decided to give it another whirl. This time I will not include meat or booze on the cleanse, pretty extreme. I have a suspicion that the pills may have expired as they caused a really bad burning sensation in my chest and face, but oh well... I found that if I took them right before bed I typically wouldn't wake up from the burning.

I don't really understand vegan cooking, mostly because it lacks butter and bacon, but I want too. I am writing this retrospectively, and in the end I am so happy I did it, because it turns out there are loads of foods I've never heard of (CHIA SEEDS). I will be updating periodically, although as the trend currently stands, that's about once every five months.

Kale Chips!

These things are really good and easy. My theoretical children all named Owen will eat these instead of potato chips.

Basic recipe.

Kale washed and hella dried. like in a spinning drying contraption. Put a drizzle of olive oil on it and some salt. Rub it all around so each leaf is shiny but not soggy. Then make sure to separate each one and lay them flat on a cookie tray. Put them in the oven at 350 for 7 - 10 minutes. You should start sampling at 7 mins so they don't burn.

Yummy - since they kinda replace potato chips I decided to try teriyaki and salt and vinegar kale chips.

Done.

I added teritaki instead of oil on one batch and splashed some vinegar on the other. The vinegar didn't get to enough of the kale as I had hoped, and the teriyaki chips needed oil as well to make the sauce stick better. But it was good.

BTW - kale chips get really in your teeth.

Pictures will be provided.

Purple Velvet Cake w Buttermillk Cream Cheese Icing.

It's my roommates birthday and she is turning a really big number. She's getting in from Maine and wanted to have a beer. Lame. I am throwing her a surprise party. I don't know any of her friends but I do have facebook.

Ruth Enters
Me (alone): SURPRISE
Ruth: What the fuck is this
Me: You are having a surprise party in two hours
Ruth: Who is coming?
Me: I don't know. Some of your friends.
Ruth: I have plans in the city
Me: I'm not hanging out with your friends.

So overall it worked out well. At least I boosted it with a delicious cocktail and cake. I made this crazy drink with lemons/limes/simple syrup/gingerale/Jack D/triple sec. Turns out this crazy drink is called a whiskey sour.

I made her favorite cake... kinda.. Purple Velvet cake. I misestimated how much food coloring is required. whatever.

This may not make sense but I'm not good with fractions so I have to be wasteful.

Sift three cups + 8 tblspn of flour with 8 tblespns of corn starch. Then throw out 2/3 cup.

Blend 1.5 sticks of butter with 2+1/4 cups of sugar. Blend for a really long time. 4-6 minutes. Then add three eggs one at a time. Reminder: When baking use room temp eggs.

I combined 2 tblspns of red food coloring. I thought that the two containers would be at least five, but apparently tablespoons are REALLY big. So I decided to throw in a tablespoon of blue. Not a good idea. My thinking was red velvet cake is really just normal cake with a shit ton of food coloring, so maybe what people like is the chemically taste. Well I was hoping for purple velvet cake. What I got was black non-chocolate cake.


So take however much of whatever food coloring and whisk it with 3 tbspons unsweetened cocoa and 2 teaspoons vanilla. Add that to the rest of the batter.

Add 1cup.5 of buttermilk (my new favorite thing) and 1.5 teaspoons of salt. beat beat beat. Then add the flour stuff slowly.

I don't know why I did this but it was suggested - stir together 1.5 teasp of cider vinegar and 1.5 teaspoons of baking soda. I'm pretty sure this is how volcanoes are made. Add this to batter

Bake in three different pans for 30 minutes on 350. I used one glass and two metal so I took the glass out first because glass stuff bakes faster. Let it cool for an hour then dump it on a cooling rack.

Icing--
2 8-ounce packages of cream cheese softened (I used one low fat one regular because that makes all the difference)
6 tblspoons of butter (softened)
2 teaspoons of vanilla
5.5 cups of confectioners sugar
3 tble spoons of butter milk (add slowly and only add as much as creates the consistency you want.


First I just iced the layers, then I used an icing decorating bag to make it drip from the layers. Really high tech.

Cilantro Meat Sandwich

Cilantro - bunch. cleaned. chopped.
Rosemary Ham
Pastrami
Tomato
Cheddar Cheese
butter

Ordering:
Cheese-Ham-cilantro-tomato-pastrami.
When I put the ham on I realized it was really slimey, probably due to being old and in a non-sealed bag. I remember my grandma said that you should rinse off fish to make it less fishy, so I rinsed off the ham to make it less decomposed.


Once combined I buttered the outside. I then put it in a pan but wanted to press it down so it would grill to perfection. I didn't feel like standing there with a spatula so I came up with this contraption. Totally works.


The sandwich is good. Needs some Franks. I wish someone would genetically modify cilantro* so it wouldn't go bad within a day. I want bombshell ready cilantro. The spamification of cilantro.

Do foods get genetically modified? Do plants have genes to modify? I guess they do, but I don't like it.

Buttermilk Eggs

Typically I do not believe in scrambled eggs. I used to tell people I was allergic to them - not to fried, boiled, omeletted, just scrambled, the taste is kinda wrong. But this morning I made buttermilk scrambled eggs.

3 Egg Whites
2 Whole Eggs
a few dashes of adobo
a few dashes of fox point
Beaten together into one.

I put a one inch chunk of butter in a pan and then poured the eggs in. Let it sit for a minute then push it around. Let sit, push around - repeat. Then when about half way done add about 1/4 cup of buttermilk and mix together. Make sure not to over cook. Fucking fluffiest shit ever.

Delightful just like this - but I put them on English Muffins and then put some muenster cheese on top and ovened them at 300 for like six minutes. Served with Algae juice.

Sharshuka

I recently returned from Israel after doing the birthright. One culinary highlight was the Jerusalem grill which consisted of chicken hearts, livers, gall bladders, intestines etc in a pita. I made it half way through until I ate a particularly large heart and could feel the arteries burst and spurt in my mouth. I was then done. Well, I was at least closer to being done. I love eating shit.

At one point, homeless and in Tel Aviv, a few of us were wondering about looking for a beach to sleep on (when you're in a foreign country, danger does not exist). We found an airport, considered it for a minute and then moshed on. Somehow after a lot of 2am disturbances we found a familiar soldier who allowed us to sleep over. In the morning we woke up and his pretty incredible girlfriend made us shar-shu-kah. Mother of god incredible. She served it with bread and inevitably a vat of hummus. I watched her closely in order to figure out what she was doing. However I still kinda failed in comparison.

Chop up one onion and saute it in olive oil for like three minutes. Then add two chopped red peppers and cook like three more minutes. Then add the chopped tomatoes. I threw in three table spoons of tomato paste and let it cook like five more minutes.

Next you make little hole pockets and drop in the egg. Continue to cook for like ten minutes, but don't break the yolk.


I have to say. Pretty bland. So I went back. I added some adobo and salt, a dash of red pepper flakes and instant delish.


I don't get why her's was so much better. Maybe birth right is wrong; I am not Israeli and there is no ticket in my belly.

Cream Cheese Burrito

It's time to go grocery shopping* (*update). All I have is icy frozen food. I made an annie's burrito, but then realized I had no cheese. no sour cream. no salsa. BUT THEN I REALIZED... Veggie Cream Cheese is the exact combination of the three! So I smothered. Really great.

I also cooked up some frozen pees, buttered and garlic powdered the shit out of them, and ate each one. I love pees. Seriously.

Almond Chocolate Coffee Cake

So no more stir fry writings, however, as per every day of my life, and my sodium infused, rising in pressure blood, I did make stir fry as a precursor for my three-hour marathon cake. I learned one delicious, and one endearing, thing.

Delicious Thing:
Awesome rice =
3 cups water
1.5 cups brown rice
2 bay leaves
1.5 teaspoons five spice
Salt

Endearing thing:
For the stir fry I was unable to start with the base garlic/ginger/onion situation. Why? Because I asked my boyfriend to bring me a onion and he brought rutabaga. His eyes screamed a effort, knowledge of failure and sweetness while his veggie filled hand screamed I don't know shit about cooking. Say La Vie, when life gives you a turnip make a salty mushy turnip side dish.

Almond Chocolate Coffee Bunt Cake

Sift two cups flour with 1 teaspoon baking soda. I don't have a sifter, but I did have a metal strainer and a bowl. So I sifted, slash rubbed this through. I then was supposed to melt 6 ounces of semi-sweet, however I only had unsweetend. So I double boiled 3.5 ounces of dark choco and about six splendas as well as 2 ounces unsweetened. Then like 2 more splendas.



Double boiler = pot of boiling and a frying pan. My technical creations:

Then I blended two sticks softened butter with one cup of sugar for three minutes, no more, no less. so fluffy. Eat some of this, because buttersugar is delicious. You know how I know this, I one time walked in on my roommate eating a stick of butter that was periodically dipped into sugar. She screamed "WANNA BITE", I did, I ate. Maybe not so much her screaming wanna a bite but me yelling "GIMME" but whateves. Try it. Like a mother shitting sugar cookie.

Anyways, add three large eggs one at a time - but they should be room temperature. Add the melted chocolate. Add flour stuff slowly while mixing after each time. Add one cup of milk, again in like fourths mixing after each. Then... add I don't know, some almond extract, how about 4 teaspoons, and, because I own it, four table spoons of Kaluah. Have the oven pre-heating to 350.

Butter and flour a bunt pan. I don't know the difference between 8 and 10 inches, which is why... actually I won't go there... but the pan was too small... that's not what... sorry. Pour in, cook 45 mins, let sit 20 and flip. I had a lot of extra batter and made some cupcakes. When I ate them I said ew. BUT when I ate the bunt cake I said fuck yeah. That shit was moist and almondy and delicious.

Also, as with all baking, frost everything. 1 box confectioners, 1 teaspoon vanilla, 1 stick of butter, 3 table spoons milk*... blend with mixer. This time it was liquidy, but that's because I think it wasn't a full box, I can't remember what I used the sugar for, but then again I can't remember most of what I do. Juuuuust kidding (except between 2005-2009).
*Follow the recipe on the side of the box


I'm not proof reading long posts. I'm very busy. As in I have cable and the Kardasians are on.

Ramen Meal

Ramen is really good. Not that fancy two dollar ramen, or homemade ramen, the $ 0.25 ramen. Preferably the Oriental flavor. I eat a lot of it so I've started adding egg whites and veggies and mother fucking everything else. curry powder? yes. adobo, soy sauce, garlic/onion powder, bay leaves, frozen pees, bacobits, tandorri flavoring yes yes yes yes.

2 cups water, boil, add noodles, cook 3 mins, add two egg whites (not the yolk because the yolk makes you fat) wait a minute, then stir. It will look like this for a little bit:

Don't let this overflow... scrubbing this shit off is like cleaning vomit out of a crocheted blanket. Add spinach, wilt and eat. I decided to add lime because I thought that might make it taste good. It doesn't. I think if I were to be truthful to myself, I added the lime because I really wanted Mexican food and in my mind, add lime and you have a fiesta in Cancun. It tasted like I was eating ramen that I added sour milk to. So I added hot sauce because that typically overpowers other flavors. And it did. So, no lime, no Franks, yes all spices and soy.


UPDATE: I tried to eat my week old stir fry but it tasted kinda off, so I added it to my ramen!! It was a really great learning experience about how to mask old food taste. I should have a show called how to eat on a budget... or maybe one called world's strongest stomach. This is one of those point in case situations to my whole not believing in food poisoning thing.

Mashed Potato Stir Fry

I realize I do a lot on stir fry. But that is because it is better than other foods. I used to use rice, but decided that was way too complicated, five minutes, an hour, there was really no way to tell. And then sometimes I'd throw away the bag and have to guess, 2 to 1? 3 to 1? I don't give a fuck. I'm over it. So then I switched to Quinoa. Much simpler. But you know what, I've been eating too much quinoa. Like too much. * Too much quinoa and too much cumin. And even quinoa requires you to pay attention, and sometimes, particularly during law and order, that is attention I do not have to give. So I've discovered... Instant mashed potato stir fry.
* I hate Avatar. Irrelevant? Yes.

Heat some sesame oil and add one chopped onion. Then add some zucchini wait a couple minutes and when perfect add the spinach. While cooking just keep adding garlic powder and soy sauce. While this is cooking boil water. Pour some of the water over the veggies (you can always add more later). Then add instant potatoes. THEN MUSH IT ALL TOGETHER.

Quinoa Stir Fry with Lime Fennel Capers Salad.

Even though no posts, I've been doing the cooking, often times trying to delight a boy who kindly eats what I make... I guess not so much the bean soup, but that was pretty terrible. It is apparently a fact that dry beans take more than an hour, or four, to cook. He ate five spoonfuls of uncooked beans. Come over, I will feed you bean soup. It wasn't even soup at many points because the water kept disappearing - I don't know where it went, it clearly was not being absorbed... oh well, good thing he's really great.

Anyways, last night my wonderful friend came over to play boggle and cook. We didn't actually get to play boggle, but if we did I would have won. But we did cook.

New favorite: fennel. During a vegan/ gluten free feast*, someone made an incredible meal that started with a fennel salad with oranges and olives and maybe something else. I was going to recreate this and take credit, however I forgot to buy oranges and guess I don't have any olives.
* I don't approve of so many self-imposed food restrictions. I think if it exists it should go in my body.

Fennel Salad:


One Fennel bulb
Capers
Lime
Italian Dressing.
Spinach
Salt

Chop the white part of the bulb, pull off some of the leaf like parts, maybe a little of the stemies. Juice one lime, throw in like three roughly chopped fork fulls of capers. Do not use the Italian Dressing. Italian dressing is so stupid. It tastes like chemical juice - always. Throw in some chopped spinach - not baby, grown up? Put on as much salt as you can handle and you have some greatness.

Stir fry:


Chop one onion (have your friend do it)
Chop a head of broccoli
1/2 Red Bell Pepper
Garlic
Spinach
Peanut Oil
Soy Sauce
Honey/cumin/ "ar-cha-cha" hot sauce

Throw the onion in a large pan with peanut oil (should have been sesame oil, but I drank all my sesame oil). Saute for a couple of minutes then add broccoli. Saute saute then add... chopped garlic, like a bunch. Not the most precise dish. Then add half a red pepper chopped in little chicklet sized pieces. Add soy sauce. Add cumin and a little honey. More soy sauce.

Now turn off the heat and add the spinach, let it wilt.

When you add the spinach, you should add edemame to the boiling water, which I guess you should have started. Drain the edemame after like four minutes and add rock salt. Oh, also, you should have already cooked your quinoa - like 1/2 cup of dry quinoa with a 2 to 1 ratio... 1 to 2? Twice as much water as quinoa. Quinoa is the greatest food ever. I typically make the red quinoa, but this is only because if I make the white my roommate can't stop making jokes about it looking like condoms.


yumm

Maple Snow Syrup

There were massive feets of snow all around New York. I went to Prospect Park and had a very lovely day. I went with the goal of building a snowman and making snow based treats. I have some vague, clear, possibly fabricated memory of eating maple syrup hardened on snow in my backyard. I decided to try and recreate this.

Maple Treat:
Compact snow so it is not so fluffy, but not so compounded that you are eating earth. Pour syrup.

This one was not compacted snow. And it looks like poo.

This one I made. It is a portrait.


This one I did not make. It is really beautiful.


Eat snow syrup. I was hoping it would turn into toffee or chewy maple caramel. Nope. It was cold cheap Jemima. You should bring a spoon with you. Luckily, although I didn't plan ahead, I typically carry around old dirty silverware. To Clean: Swish it in snow (similar to water). This guy walked by making jokes about how we were doing something ridiculous, like what his kids would do. Don't be such a grownup dude.

While in the park I also "made" a evil bird turtle snow thing with a smoldering artist.

Making snow creatures is actually easier if you just steal big balls o snow from snowmen previously made and abandoned...

UPDATE - I did it wrong. You are supposed to heat up the syrup and then pour it on snow. That's too much of a project. In fact, the way I did it was probably still too much work. Next time, eat snow and then pour syrup in mouth.

Coke-Milk

This is really good. It kinda taste like a milk shake? Ice cream soda?


Ingredients:
Coke
Milk
Combine.

But do not combine like the picture shows because that leads to foam, and milky foam does not taste good. Also, ignore the shitty nail polish and loosies and take note of the organic (healthy) and wine glass (classy).

If you are an adult, you can make the following - a drink that got me through many mornings of college - the...

White Trash White Russian.

Coke
Milk
Rum (this should ALWAYS be Barcardi Light)

Why is this the perfect college drink? Because in communal frigerators someone always has milk that you can "borrow"* and there is usually a near by soda machine.

*unless they put poisonous face lotion in their milk to "make a point". That guy was such a mother fucking asshole.

Pancakes

It's been a while since I last posted. I've been recovering from the Russian bath house party. How was it? Gross. But not gross in a good bath house blow job in the corner way, but in a candy bracelets and half shaved men kind of a way. Also, not recovering because I'm hung over, but because I hate being so clean.

I'm making pancakes... I don't know why. Pancakes are kinda a
shitty breakfast food and after two bites it likes, I get it already.
That's why I'm putting in bananas and chocolate chips. Originally I
was just going to make more "banana bread" but I decided to go all
out. Because I'm home sick. Also my room smells like a bottle of
turpentine is leaking somewhere and I'm scared to go back in.

I'm using 1 1/2 cups ground whole wheat flower. It says brown and wheat on the package so I bought it to make up for all the extreme sour gummy candies I consume. Health is all about equalizing.

I used a basic pancake recipe:

The flour
3 1/2 teaspoons of baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon sugar
1 1/4 cups of milk (skim, obv)
1 egg
3 tablespoons of butter

Mix it together, butter pan and cook. For some reason they are the consistency of cookie dough.


I don't get why they look like this, also, I forgot the chocolate chips which sux.

They are ok. They kinda taste like I'm chewing on flax seeds? Probably because things that stress brown and wheat don't taste good. Also, they are salty, granted I forget the sugar in the first batch, but even the second... why so salty? I'm smothering them w/ butter, apple butter &blackberry sauce. Pancakes are so dumb. Next time I will use more pancake technology.*

* I don't think that instant, spray on pancakes should be able to be labeled organic.

Stir Fry Wasabi Rice

There's a bunch of Norwegian people coming to my house for dinner. I do not know what Norwegian people eat. All I know is that they are really fashionable and better than us.

I was going to make paella, except after buying what I imagined the ingredients to be I realized I don't actually know what paella is. Also, who wants to eat paella. I have never said, you know what I feel like eating tonight? Paella. Or- Oh good! They have paella here. Never. Never those words. I think one time someone I was with ordered paella and I thought it was lame. So I scratched that idea. Furthermore, my momma informed me that I cannot substitute other orange spices for saffron. So it's a no go.

I am making a stir fry because that shit is easy. I'm going to make a throw everything in style stir fry with wasabi rice.

Wok
Sesame Oil
- Sautee like four cloves of garlic, one onion and about an inch of fresh ginger for like 5 mins.
- Add Broccoli for like 6 mins and splash in some soy sauce
- Add chicken, half a red pepper, some mushrooms and a bit more garlic for like 3 mins with teriyaki sauce
- Add the rest of the pepper and mushrooms


I love my soy sauce.

With the food, just keep adding stuff. The yummy part was the rice. Kind of. It at least wasn't a bad part.

It's pretty self explanatory, but really adds good to stir fry. Make the rice according to directions and add wasabi paste. I made two cups of rice - as in two dry cups and 4 cups o water. I added a tablespoon of wasabi because I don't know how tough Noriges are. Do they eat spicy things? I hear they eat whale, so probably. I wonder if they have stir fry in Norway. I wonder if they have Chinese food! Do they like The Fine Young Cannibals? (EVERYONE LIKES THE FYC) So many questions.

Off to the Russian bath house!


This was taken the day after a night sitting in the fridge. Imagine the food more vibrant and fresh.

Citrus Cake w Jasmine Ice Cream

I'm going to my brother's house for highly delicious eating that involves bacon wrapped flaming young. I preemptively received the following messages:

"don't bother to bring anything over to eat, we'll do all the cooking,
unless it's food that's not going on your website. Sorry"

"of course you bring a bloggable dessert"

My brother seems to understand that you may as well accept my contributions or else face the consequence of getting enough spinach balls for a month! So old. So gross.

I am bringing a dessert, but I have decided to make it really really classy. I am making citrus cake with homemade jasmine ice cream.

Citrus Cake:


Mix together 1 cup butter with 1 cup sugar. Then add 4 eggs, one at a time, stirring after each (I think I have to go back to cracking the eggs in a separate bowl first, like when I was a kid. This shits going to be crunchy). Add the zest of one lemon and a teaspoon of vanilla extract. (tip: wash the lemon first, or don't post a blog until people have eaten the cake, I decided to just wait on the blog, seemed easier).

In a separate bowl combine:
two cups of flower
two teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt

Add this and 1/4 cup of lemon juice to the butter/sugar stuff, stir and pour into cake pan.

It makes a weird amount. I filled a nine inch pan and 9 cup cakes. Maybe it could have been two 8 inch pans? Maybe 12 cupcakes?

I put them in at 350 for 20 - 40 minutes. Clearly I forgot to time them. Shit happens. But it wasn't under 20 minutes or over 40. So you have to figure it out yourself. I took them out around the browning around the edges stage. (I sprayed pam and flowered the pan - I'm done with buttering. There's a spray to do that.)

In retrospect I think the cake could have used some white chocolate chips.

To make the glaze I took a cup of confectioners sugar and squeezed two-three slices of orange. I used lemon instead of orange for the icing on the cupcakes and they taste like sour crap.

I made little lemon twists to beautify. After three years of bartending I have a
memory gap of 1,095 days.. but somehow I can still make delightful paper thin twists. I guess when you're able to black out carve it sticks with you.

While baking, I made the HOMEMADE Jasmine ice cream. I also changed because I realized I was wearing peach, valeour, high water bellbottoms with a shirt that says ride me ride free. I'd say I'm a good combination stripper/girlfriend.

Heat up one cup of milk (I used whole) but don't boil. When warm add two jasmine tea
bags one drop blue food coloring and two red (necessary).


Let it sit for three minutes and add a splenda to counter the bitterness of tea. Take the bags out and put it in the frigerator to cool. Once cool, add two table spoons sugar, 1/2 teaspoon vanilla.


Pour in a zip lock bag. If you have a large, like gallon sized bag, you half fill it with ice - maybe like one complete tray worth - and like 8 table spoons of salt.
I however used a large tuperware container because I don't have large ziplock
bags, I only have sandwich bags. If you have multiple sized bags you have made it in the world and are clearly well-off and established. Shake this for at least five minutes or until it is ice-cream like.

MAKE SURE to rinse all the salt water from the back, including in the little ziplock area.

I made two batches. This is delicious. Other potential flavors: Earl
Grey. Camomile, Mint. Manderine Oranage. Seriously, I want to eat this all this time. In fact, I may.


I wanted to bring over some bacon chocolate chip cookies but my roommates ate them all. Apparently they don’t read my blog or they’d know they consumed ½ a cup of bacon grease. I hate that read and read is spelled the same.

I do still have left over bacon, and I am seeing a cute boy later for a "film". I think BCCC are the way to a person's heart... however, my ideas have not always translated.

Examples:
1. 20 lbs of meat
2. Bag of dill pickle potato chips with a mixed CD inside
3. Mixed media painting of New Jersey
4. 10 slim jims with 10 mini bottles of tequila

Really Easy Banana Bread

- Toast Bread
- Butter Toast with the equivalent of 1-2 diner tabs.
- Mash half a banana, then spread it on.
- Salt it.*


Delightful.

*Fact: you can, and should, salt most fruit.

Examples:
Cantaloupe and salt
Avocado and salt (counts)
Honeydew and salt
Pineapple and salt
Pear and salt
Papaya and salt (although papaya sometimes tastes like feces)

Bacon Chocolate Chip Cookies

The pie didn't work so well. But these cookies did.

I wanted to use the bacon grease instead of butter, but for some reason the 1 pound of bacon only produced 1/3 cup of grease. I wonder if the nine month stay in the freezer made a difference.

I combined:

1 + 1/2 cups of flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt

In a separate bowl I blended:

1/3 cup bacon grease
1/3 cup butter
1/2 cup regular sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar

After blending I added an egg and a teaspoon of vanilla. You then combine the two until one.


Stir in:

1/2 cup of chocolate chips
1/2 cup bacon chunks. I didn't use the fat part, only the meat part, although both are delicious.


Then you make them into cookies by mushing into one inch balls and baking at 350 for about ten minutes.

And they are... everything I've ever dreamed of.

I kinda wish I hadn't made them now since I'm going to some Russian bath house in a week... I'm hoping it is as sketchy as it sounds. But seriously - so many cookies and a shit ton of left over bacon. Dinner: Bacon with arugula. Dessert: Bacon with chocolate.


BAM!

"They're like sex, only I'm having them".

Dirty Potato Leek Soup

I love potato leek soup. So I want to learn to make it. Deliciously.

I used two leeks, which apparently you have to clean by slicing them down the middle and rinsing out the inside layers - but they will be cooked, so I doubt it matters. On the internet it says to use the white to light green section. That sounds wasteful. I chopped the leek starting at the white and ending where it began looking gross.

I melted two table spoons of butter in a pan and put the leeks in. Too many leeks. No, too little pan.

It's really hard to sautee like this. In retrospect, cooking the leeks in the pot I am going to use would have been smarter. I added three shots of water, covered the goods, and let them cook for about five minutes while stirring occasionally.

I peeled and chopped this many potatoes:


I used really small red potatoes because I like red potatoes better than russet.

I heated four cups of chicken broth and then added the cooked leeks, potatoes, 1/2 teaspoon dried thyme and 1/2 teaspoon of salt. Simmer for twenty minutes or until potatoes are really soft.



I pureed the soup and then stirred in 1/2 cup of milk and a cup of shredded cheddar cheese.

Results:


So, it's fucking green. Which is wrong.

Taste Test....

Me: Why do you think it tastes like dirt?
Roommate: It doesn't taste like dirt, it's... earthy
Me: Like dirt from the earth?
Roommate: Add pepper?
Me: Pepper is disgusting.

I'm thinking it tastes a little off because the thyme I used is old and from one of those huge 99cent jars. However, other than a slight dirt taste, it IS delicious. The cheese is unnecessary... I think adding it on top when served would have been better. I'm totally into this soup.

I've been thinking, maybe boiling things only kills germs, and does not get rid of actual dirt. Perhaps if I start washing things more... potatoes, leeks, hands.... I will get rid of this "earthy" taste.

Fancy Failure

For dinner I made lemon garlic scallops with a side of spinach muffins and borscht. However, it wasn’t really borscht as much as it was every past-their-prime vegetable in my kitchen boiled until there were no distinct flavors... and I guess I shouldn’t call them spinach “muffins” but more appropriately, little spinach balls or paddies or chunks.

Soup Recipe:

1 box of chicken soup
4 cups of water
4 beets
1 dried out onion
1 flaccid zucchini
4 bay leaves in a tea strainer
4 eyed potatoes
One bag of old slimy baby carrots
3 rubbery turnips
4 cloves of garlic

(totally looks like borscht)

You probably need a bullet express*. Combine. Boil for 3 hours. Puree. Hope that your roommates like it because it makes a lot.

Spinach balls:


16 oz frozen spinach (cooked/drained) + 2 egg whites + some parm + greek seasoning

Combine, bake for 12 minutes at 350 in a cupcake tray sprayed with pam.

I think these would have been good if:

1. Different ingredients were used

* Grandma, Martha and fat hungry guy really need to lighten up.
** Note I did not even address the lemon garlic scallops issue.

I'm sorry to say, but this meal was kinda an epic fail. I mean failure. I want FAIL to go the way of pwn3d.