Friday, January 29, 2010

Blue Cheese Deviled Eggs.

My boss who has been working with this program for seven years is leaving. I have decided to make her deviled eggs and cupcakes as a parting gift. This is because everyone likes deviled eggs and cupcakes.

Well Mizu Anat.

Eggs. I made 9 eggs because I had to use three for the shitty cupcakes. You boil the eggs for like fifteen minutes. I usually make one egg to test. If it's soft then you have a daddy egg and you know to cook the rest longer.* There seems to be a lot of information on how to boil the perfect egg. But I'm pretty sure if it is hard it is perfect.

While the eggs are boiling I cooked up the sausage. I took it out of it's intestinal coating and mushed/chopped it up in a frying pan over medium heat. I asked my roommate if I should butter the pan first. She looked disgusted.

* I call soft-boiled eggs daddy eggs. This is because my dad liked them and named them to emphasize his enjoyment. I only recently learned their true identity. I also call OringEna OringIna and pesto paste-o. It's ok. I'm going to screw with my kids too.

Put the eggs in a bowl with cold water. When they are cold you give them a quick roll on a hard surface, peel and cut in half. Don't worry if the whites crack or anything, the yolk goo will hold it togetherish.

Put the following in a bowl:

4 Tablespoons Mayo
1 Tablespoon Blue Cheese
1 teaspoon Spicy Mustard
1 teaspoon Frenches Mustard
1/2 teaspoon Paprika
1 teaspoon Capers chopped

Mix together, adjust to taste and put in a ziplock bag.

egg white on deviled egg plate
cut the corner of the zip lock yolk baggie and pipe the mixture in the hole.
add a caper to the top
add some sausage to the top
sprinkle paprika


--- you may want to explain that they are blue cheese eggs, or maybe dye them blue, because otherwise they just taste confusing. God I wish I had dyed them blue.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Panko-Crusted Tandoori Chicken McNuggies

I was going to make Naan, but gave up because I couldn't find any recipes. It could be because I was searching for Paan. Thanks France.

For the marinade

Two large chopped cloves of garlic
Half an inch of ginger
1 teaspoon garam masala
1/4 teaspoon cumin
4 table spoons lemon juice
1 table spoon soy sauce (soy sauce can actually go in ANYTHING)
five splashes Frank's Red Hot. No other hot sauce. Ever. My brother is a connoisseur of this shit.

(sorry but this is a photo taken by my iphone of my camera)

Put the chicken chunks (I only made one breast) and marinade in a zip lock baggie, probably two zip lock baggies. Let them sit for like three hours? I hate waiting for things to marinade because I always start when hungry. I decided to make an appetizer (Cabbage. Boil. Butter. Salt.). Time Elapse. Now the marinade is ready and I've stopped caring. I kinda just want Ramen. Oriental Flavored.

I take the chunks out of marinade, making sure I get off all garlic pieces, twirl them a bowl containing two egg whites, and them roll them in a panko-tandoori mixture:

I put 1/2 a cup of panko and 2 teaspoons of tandoori seasoning on a plate. Mix as best as possible, though the tandoori will setting to the bottom. As the panko disappears you can add more, but the tandoori should still be enough.

Put the nuggies in aluminum foil, crunching it closed at top, and put it in the oven for 15 minutes at 400 degrees.

Now they are done and I am eating them.

They are mushy so I am now looking up how to use panko. This site is bullshit because these nuggies are really soggy. Like I took chicken and rolled it in tandoori flavored instant mashed potatoes.

I made a pretty good side dish (bananas, chocolate/peanut butter chips) and dipping sauce:

2 table spoons plan yogurt
Some tandoori seasoning
two squeezes lemon juice (so weird that lemon doesn't curdle yogurt)

Too bad the things I'm dipping in it have the outer texture of regurgitated food. I think if I just did the marinade, then rolled it in tandoori and then baked it, it would be great. Or maybe just used bread crumbs. But I am so over effort right now. What am I not over? Supertramp Crime of the Century.

Watching Dark City. I love that guy... never mind, it's Keifer playing Igor.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Barbie Sandwhich

Not that barbie would eat if she was real... but.

Roommate: Doesn't that cause cancer
Answer: No. It doesn't.

Strawberry fluffer
Skippy Peanut butter

Holy shit. My roommate made popcorn... from corn. This adds a complimentary note of salt and crunch.

Rosemary Almonds

Almonds are one of the healthiest of foods. But they are gross, unless smothered in butter and salt. So I make rosemary butter spicy almonds - which is a pretty common and easy thing to make because they taste so good. I guess the normalcy goes against the concept, but whateves, they are delicious.

I start with about 2 cups of raw almonds. Then I measure 2.5 teaspoons of rosemary. I used dry rosemary because when I buy fresh herbs they end up looking like the animals on the ASPCA commercials.

I crush the rosemary in my apothecaryetic pill crusher. I do this for a while. I guess I shouldn't call it a pill crusher because that sounds sketchy. So my apothecaryetic herb grinder? I add 1/4+ 1/16 teaspoon of cayenne pepper and grind that as well. Add 1 teaspoon of salt and do not grind because chunks of salt taste good.

Then melt 3 table spoons of butter in a pan, or pot. Stir in the seasoning. Stir in the almonds. Pour the almonds on a pan. Put in the oven at 350 degrees. I set my hot chip alarm to go off in twelve minutes but stirred once during the process. I ended the chefery with a step that my roommates keep hounding me about and turned off the oven.

Side note: Roommate's response: "gurl, them some salty nuts. some salty nuts honey. I can't wash my seaman hands in the sink but you can leave those around. them some salty nuts" leaves room. To Boyfriend "boy you gotta try those salty ass nuts. they are saaaalty". Boyfriend "those are some salty nuts".

Conclusion - I stick by my measurement, but you may want to use less salt.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Adventures in Baconcity

My dear friend is entering a pie contest. I have decided to join her. She is making a delicate pie of pears and berry. I am making a chocolate, peanut butter, apple and bacon pie. It is going to be judged by an Iron Chef. I am going to make an Iron Chef eat a chocolate, peanut butter, apple and bacon pie.

I started by making a peanut butter crust.

3/4 + .5X.75 = 6/4... no. 3/4 + 1.5/4 = 4.5/4? Ok, I used 1 and 1/8 cups of graham cracker crushies. I used the back of a measuring cup to crush the crackers as I have delicate hands. I combined this amount of crushies with 3/4 cup of peanut butter from my economy-costco sized Skippy jar. Then I added three tablespoons of honey. I mixed it together, taking out the old dried chunks of left over fluffer (the marshmallow goo, not talented stage hand), and then mushed it into a buttered 9 inch round pie glass baking pan. It made enough to cover the bottom and the sides. I baked this for 12 minutes on 350.

Out of the 1 pound of bacon, I cooked 4 strips. I wore glasses because it kept bullseyesing my face. Once the bacon was done I dabbed it to soak up the grease... then I remembered what I was making and said fuck it. I had my roommate peel the apples. I then cut the apples, but they taste bad because I was cheap and went to the corner store. I feel like that was a mistake. Although it's not like you're going to be able to taste anything... but you should buy good apples.

I mixed together....
3/4 cup white sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar
2 tablespoons flour
1 tablespoon cinnamon
1 teaspoon nutmeg
The 4 strips of cooked bacon (which I made into very small pieces, the size of baco bits.. which I probably could have used)
All the apples

I put all this into the peanut butter crust once it had cooled.

Then I made a crumble which is the following stuff all mashed up-

1.5 (possibly 1.75) cups of flour
1 cup of sugar
* This is the best spice in the world and you should buy it.*
*I like to keep asterisks nearby.
1 egg, room temperature, but it probably makes no difference.
a table spoon of melted butter - or enough so it is a cohesive substance.

I spread this out on the top, doesn't need to be perfect, and save some for over the bacon.

I then latticed the hell out of the left over raw bacon, with it extending over the edge of the pan, put the left over crumble topping around the edges to keep the bacon from curling, took some pictures and put it in at 375 Degrees.

You probably want to put it on a cookie sheet to prevent half a pound of oil from dripping... don't worry, the pie will still be 1.5 pounds when cooked... I set my Miley Cyrus Alarm to "party in the usa" in 70 minutes. Start to watch it closely at the end so it doesn't burn, but you want to bacon to be hard. You also want to enlarge the picture.

Now I'm done and can eat my dinner: squash, cocopuffs and pickles. Like I'm pregnant. Which I'm not. Because I haven't gone all the way in 4eva. Which could be why I'm making this fat girl chocolate, peanut butter, apple & bacon pie and listening to Fiona Apple. Then again - chicken or the egg.



I make a lot of food. Once. Generally this is because it is only allowed by nature to occur once. Often it is because I have noted when you make people sick one time they tend to forgive, and even pity and respect your efforts - twice and they go into an accusatory tizzy.

Following will be my my own recipes; a display of the inedible that sustains my life. However, should you decide to try something, keep in mind that my roommate states her pity for both my stomach, and anyone who gets in the path of my cuisine, on a bi- and sometimes tri-weekly basis. So get some of that delicious minty pink beverage ready and what's the worst that could happen.*

*oh. and I don't believe in food poisoning.